Stutz - and Why Sometimes I Think Therapy is Weird

Alright, so if a title is supposed to grab you, then I hope that one did. I do actually have a reason I chose that title, which I hope to make clear as I talk about this film. “Stutz” is a documentary on Netflix in which Jonah Hill is trying to portray his experiences in psychotherapy with Phillip Stutz in the hopes that it will help others. At the outset, I will say this absolutely will not be spoiler free. 

This is a really great film. I loved it. I thought the relationship between these two men was beautiful, and the choices made in telling their story were excellent. Yet, because this film is such rich material, I also had a lot of reactions and thoughts as the film played out that I want to get into here. 

One of the first things that is worth mentioning is that there is some controversy over the professional ethics involved in Phil Stutz participating in this documentary. The essential critique is that by doing this, Phil is engaging in a dual relationship with Jonah, where he is both Jonah’s therapist and the subject of Jonah’s documentary. These kinds of dual relationships can complicate the therapy relationship in such a way that it compromises the value of therapy. This is why it is considered unethical for a therapist to participate in a separate business relationship with a client for example. The easiest way this could happen is if the therapist knows they need to say something difficult that is in the client’s best interest, but that they fear doing so because it might upset the client. If they are also separately in a business relationship with that client, then they might withhold saying something difficult.

I think this is a very important critique. It does sort of get at something that I want to say later about the “weirdness” of the psychotherapy relationship as it exists as a phenomenon in our modern culture, as well as the necessary ethics that accompany that phenomenon. But, I need to find my way to that point through a few others. 

The documentary introduces us to the two men and Jonah’s goal for the film by way of a conversation in which Jonah asks Stutz why he’s making the film. Jonah finds Stutz’s teachings incredibly helpful and he wants to share them with others. I think the film does a fairly good job of setting up that this goal really isn’t enough to carry the documentary. Initially we get some exposure to some teachings of Stutz, but the two men aren’t yet vulnerable with each-other. Even when questions lead to vulnerable places, like in how Jonah’s brother’s death affected him, he says, “no we’re not gonna go there.” 

But, it isn’t working. The magic isn’t there. And Jonah decides to call that out and admit that he has been phony. As he has tried to make this film, he’s been lying even to Stutz about how well it’s going. He just can’t seem to land these big ideas that he’s learned in therapy, and so they’ve been filming for two years, and essentially hiding the fact that this isn’t one therapy session we’re seeing in the film.

And from here, the two men go a very different direction, with both of them alternating with sharing some of their deepest vulnerabilities. Jonah is able to talk about his profound struggle with his weight and its damaging impact on his self esteem through his childhood. We’re able to see that one of the ways therapy has helped Jonah heal is through an acceptance of his younger self that he thought was so overweight, ugly and unlovable. Phil has been able to help him to start to accept himself at a core level. Conversely, as Jonah interviews Phil for the documentary, we learn about Phil’s loss of his 3 year old brother when Phil was 9 years old and the profoundly scarring impact that had on him. A large part of those scars came from the way the family never talked about that loss, and yet it ended Phil’s childhood. He had to be almost perfect and play the therapist as a child to his parent’s traumatized emotions. There was also this struggle with his mother’s hatred of men, and eventually Phil realizes that this led to an adulthood where he’s never been able to feel safe connecting with a woman. 

The two men’s relationship is a joy to watch. They engage with each-other with humor, with vulnerability, and you can see that they both love each-other. You even get to see Phil admit that it’s difficult to be so vulnerable and he’s had to resist a stream of impulses to make a joke to alleviate the difficulty. The two share a chuckle about having the same disease of using humor to avoid emotion. (There’s a lot I could say here about therapy being a vehicle for the development of what therapists call “affect tolerance” or the ability to accept difficult emotion and how critical that is to the treatment of anxiety and depression, but I realized I have too much to write about to get into that).  

One of the through lines of the film is Jonah’s attempt to highlight Phil’s teachings, but I actually think the film almost unintentionally deconstructs the importance of the teachings. What do I mean by that? The teachings or ideas of Stutz are good material, even if I think we have to be thoughtful about when to use them. He talks about how when we’re depressed we can nurture our life force on three levels. The first is by nurturing our body, the second by nurturing relationships, and the third by nurturing our relationship with the self through journaling. Another teaching or tool is the importance of gratefulness as a way of piercing a dark cloud above or in our minds. A tool I particularly liked was this idea of finding the shadow self, in Jonah’s case, his memory and way of seeing himself as overweight and unlovable, and nurturing and accepting that self. 

The other sayings or teachings are a collection of insights or helpful realizations that many therapists often notice in our lives or in patient’s lives, and that can be helpful in affecting change. If I had to critique some of them, I might notice that some of them are focused around changing or fixing one’s emotions. I think sometimes we need that - absolutely - but taken too far and it can add to this feeling that there is something wrong with us that needs to be fixed. And this belief that there is something wrong with us is so core to many people’s experience of depression and anxiety that I would want to be careful with leaning too hard into changing emotions. I think that’s why I liked the “acceptance of the shadow self” tool more than the other tools. 

The film highlights the bond the two men shared. I think what ultimately is helpful to Jonah was that he has this man with whom he has been able to be safe and vulnerable with, and who was engaged enough to be able to offer him insights and tools AND a steady, caring relationship in which Jonah has been able to reach a place of deeper self acceptance. Phil’s acceptance of Jonah, and even curiosity and acceptance of his shadow self, was the experience that helped Jonah begin to accept himself more. 

I’m arguing for the idea that it is the relationship that heals and not so much the tools, the theory, or the strategies. But key to this is that it is a real relationship. It’s not a relationship with a distant robotic therapist who “just listens” or tries to be non-attached and neutral. Jonah and Phil are right to point out that this kind of distant, non-attached relationship isn’t very helpful. A good therapist is one who is authentically present.

Here though, we’re getting into what I mean when I sometimes think psychotherapy is weird. With the perspective I shared above, there is this struggle with the modern “container” of the relationship that is represented in therapy. It’s a strange thing to look at the way Jonah and Phil care for each-other, say “I love you,” and share affection and a bond, and yet to also realize the relationship wouldn’t exist if Jonah hadn’t been paying Phil to listen to him and care for him for his weekly sessions over the years. 

Put another way, I think sometimes therapy works because the human connection still finds a way to heal even in spite of the contrivance of a paid relationship. Yet, we’re often trying very hard to keep therapy contained because there is so, so much danger here too. Part of why we have professional ethics around things like a dual relationship is because the nature of this paid relationship can so easily also traumatize someone. At one point, the two men joke about the possibility that this film might result in a bitter 10 year lawsuit between them. I don’t think that’s such a distant possibility. 

I had a lot to say here. One of the last pieces I’ll leave is my own thoughts about how sometimes therapy is some of the “best we’ve got” in a society that is - a bit relationally fragmented. Many of the older ways of finding community or connection with others are disintegrating. We’re left with much of modern human life organized by the market and by transactions, so of course, even human connection in the form of therapy is one of those market transactions. Human connection is such a vibrant and powerful force that it does its healing work even in strange containers. Philosophically though, even as a therapist, I can’t say that I love how our modern society is set up. I’d like us to find our way to a more relationally connected way of living. For example, I think that Phil, perhaps someday, might find some healing for his fear of being close with a woman by one day finding a woman he could be close with, safely. Maybe he might need to see a therapist to help him with that, but maybe not. I think I’ll leave it there, as I like this illustration and was left hopeful  at the end of the film that he’s gonna give that woman a call.