Couples Therapy & the Ways We Get Stuck
When I found the show “Couples Therapy” on showtime, in which Dr. Orna Guralnik, a couples therapist, lets us watch her work with several real couples, I was delighted to find a show that was a solid, ethical representation of how couples therapy works. At the outset, I want to say that I have a love-hate relationship with couples therapy, and I say that as a therapist who now does a lot of couples work! When couples therapy, works, it is a delight to be a part of. I feel deeply rewarded when I can help two people learn to both hear each-other deeply, but also be able to express their deepest needs or vulnerability in an effective way. But often, it’s also hard, grindingly difficult work as people often come to a couples therapist as a last resort. Many time, a couple has been trapped in cycles of alienation, defensiveness and blame, or other patterns that lead down a disconnected road, for many years, and they often wait until this pattern has reached the point of divorce, or an affair, or some other deep betrayal before they finally reach out for help. My biggest piece of advice as a couples therapist is to not wait until its too late!
I wanted to talk about a particular couple that gets portrayed in the first season of this show. The couple, Lauren, and Sarah, and the work that Orna does, demonstrates how the heart of good couples therapy is in helping two people hear each-others vulnerabilities, even when it clashes. I want to show you what I mean by this by looking at episode 3 of season 1 closely. In this episode, they open by describing a fight over Lauren taking up Sarah’s space in the bed! I love it, because I can think of countless times that couples have been embarrassed by the conflicts they are bringing into the session. So often, these conflicts over seemingly trivial disagreements offer windows into the couples’s central conflict cycle.
Sarah expresses to the couples therapist her frustration with Lauren moving over to her side of the bed during the night. Sarah’s internal experience of the conflict is about feeling her space or autonomy is threatened. In Sarah’s telling of the story, Lauren then reacted by storming out of the bedroom and sleeping on the couch for the rest of the night. With this reaction, Sarah perhaps feels even more keenly this feeling that her need for space is a problem. Now, I think some watchers of the show will identify with Sarah’s experience quickly, while others will identify with Lauren, and I want to get into why that is a little later.
The couples therapist then turns to Lauren and helps Lauren explain the experience of often wanting to reach to cuddle or snuggle with Sarah, but often feeling rebuffed or rejected by Sarah’s demands for space. The couples therapist helps Lauren explore how vulnerable that feeling of reaching out for closeness can be, which helps us then understand why Lauren reacted so strongly to being rejected by Sarah. As the conversation unfolds further, we hear from Sarah that she often feels she has to accommodate Lauren’s needs, and Lauren in turn has often felt that Sarah rejects attempts at closeness or intimacy. Here we get to see how this conflict about space in the bed connects to larger themes in the couple’s conflict cycle.
I teased earlier this idea that some watchers of the show will identify with Sarah, and some others might identify more with Lauren. A concept that I have found really helpful is that couples in pain will have a conflict cycle where one person pursues closeness, while the other pursues autonomy. A conflict cycle can unfold from either partners point of view. The person who craves their own space may pursue “space” or autonomy when under stress, but this withdrawing may activate the fears of the partner who pursues closeness. Are we ok? What’s wrong? Are you going to leave me? Those fears can the be expressed as criticisms of the withdrawing partner, which typically then pushes the withdrawing partner even further away.
Or the conflict cycle can start from the other direction, where the partner who is anxious about closeness may be hyper-vigilant of signs something is wrong in the relationship, and may express fear that something is wrong by being critical of the other partner or anxious about the security of the relationship. These criticism or anxieties can often feel frustrating for the other partner, who then seeks space, which then activates the anxious partner’s worst fears! You are going to leave me!
What is important to these emotional experiences of couples in a painful conflict is that these feeling often go to very deeply felt places. One person may feel their very ability to be an independent self is under threat! The other feels like their ability to trust that they won’t be abandoned is under threat! With these experiences we have powerful fuel for intense fights.
Sarah, viewing Lauren as not respecting her space, might see Lauren as a threat to her sense of space. Sarah may describe Lauren as overbearing, disrespectful of her boundaries, and even think to herself that Lauren’s temper tantrum is a manipulative attempt to force Sarah to be ok with accommodating Lauren’s needs. This is a fear filled way of viewing the other partner. Lauren can do the same. Lauren may describe Sarah as cold, rejecting or even use words like “selfish” to describe Sarah’s defense of her needs. From these points of view, Lauren and Sarah can hurl insults, criticisms and pain at each-other, all from a desperate attempt to stave off fears of losing autonomy or fears of being abandoned.
What this couples therapist is helping Lauren and Sarah do is to begin to hear and connect with the underlying vulnerable emotions they are each experiencing. Lauren is able to hear that Sarah’s desire for space or boundaries is because Sarah values these things, and fears that she’ll lose them, and not because Sarah is rejecting Lauren. Sarah is able to hear that Lauren’s storming out wasn’t a power play, but was an expression of the vulnerable feeling of being rejected. Having this information about how the other person is experiencing the conflict prevents fear filled or defensive interpretations from escalating the conflict to even more hurtful places.
Healthy relationships aren’t free of these moments where two people’s needs clash. The clashing of attachment styles represented by Sarah and Lauren will be with them through the course of their relationship. However, healthy relationships build empathy between the two partners, where they are able to appreciate their different emotional needs and at times meet them. Sometimes Lauren will be learning to tell herself that the relationship is ok, even when Sarah might need space. Sometimes Sarah may need to remind herself that her autonomy isn’t under threat when she’s meeting something Lauren needs. But what is key is that when their needs clash, when they can’t meet the others needs, that they are able to communicate their feelings in that clash without attempting to force the other to see the world their way.
I loved this show as it offered a window into a kind of conflict that I see often in couples therapy. Part of how couples therapy can be helpful is in having a third person who can help unfold each partners experience and hold each of those experiences together. Orna often does this effectively throughout the show and I highly recommend giving it a watch!
